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The last few days have been heavy in Minnesota. Many people are experiencing a collective sense of grief in the wake of the targeted fatal shootings of Rep. Melissa Hortman and her husband.
Psychologists have a name for this kind of heaviness: collective or communal grief. It’s a shared experience of sadness, shock and even anger within a community after loss or a tragedy. Nationally, you might think of 9-11 or the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. Locally, it could apply to the death of Paul Wellstone in a plane crash or the collapse of the I-35 bridge.
But the targeted killing of Rep. Hortman and her husband in their home from someone pretending to be a police officer has hit several strands of collective grief at the same time.
Multiple layers of loss
For one, there’s a loss of safety. In an interview with MPR News, grief expert Fiyyaz Karim, who grew up in Brooklyn Park where the Hortman’s lived, said that was his first reaction.
“I remember getting the messages on my phone about the shelter in place and, still having family in the area,” Karim said. “I was just very worked about their safety.”
But Karim said that worry was quickly followed by another loss: the loss of trust. Federal officials say suspect Vance Boelter was posing as a police officer when he shot Melissa and Mark Hortman, as well as Sen. John Hoffman and wife Yvette.
Marcia Zimmerman, the senior rabbi at Temple Israel in Minneapolis, said that kind of betrayal is a special kind of harm.
“What happens to us when someone looks like a trusted person in the community and then ends up deceiving?” Rabbi Zimmerman said. “There’s a lot of that to mourn: that we can’t trust each other as a community and a society anymore.”
Grief in the body
Collective grief is shared, but how it shows up in each person can vary by individuals. Karim pointed to people feeling extra tired or unable to focus. Trauma can be held in the body and exhibit as headaches and sleep difficulties.
“During this difficult time, we may not be running on full cylinders,” he said. “That’s OK. This is a significant grief, and we’re going to need time to process this.”
Even if you didn’t know them personally
Many people, when experiencing collective grief, feel puzzled or even embarrassed that they would feel such significant pain over the loss of someone they didn’t know.
But that’s normal, said Karim.
“Even if you didn’t have a connection personally, you might be connected to the work that an individual did or their values or their dedication,” he commented.
Rabbi Zimmerman said it reminded her of a story in the Talmud about a teacher and his students.
“The teacher goes to a funeral for his teacher, and notices that none of his students showed up. He comes back to his classroom the next day and says, ‘Why didn’t you show up at the funeral of this great rabbi?’ And they said, ‘Well, we didn’t know him personally. And he said, ‘If you knew his teachings, you knew the teacher.’”
“And I think that is the connection we have to Melissa Hortman,” said Zimmerman.” We know her deep connection to the people of Minnesota. So we all know her.”
Recognize the trauma
All grief can be traced back to loss. But not all loss involves trauma. That’s a unique aspect of communal grief, said Karim. And the new trauma can trigger or activate the pain from old traumas.
Zimmerman said she often relates it to a cut on the human body.
“I often say the present grief takes the Band-Aid off old wounds, and they ooze like they are new. And you have to reintegrate this new loss with the old loss, into the tapestry of our lives.”
Use mourning rituals to heal
Memorials to the Hortmans are popping up around the state. Karim says that’s healthy.
“It could be a moment of silence, it could be lighting a candle, attend a community vigil,” he said. “You want to create space to be able to talk about and process these emotions.
Lean in to your spiritual faith
Rabbi Zimmerman pointed to faith traditions to process collective grief.
“[We have to] hold grief so it doesn’t harden us, so it doesn’t define us,” she said. “We want to express our sadness and outrage, and find the lessons and hope in it. That’s what religion, in the best sense, has always been about.”
Remember that grief can be a teacher
“Grief can be an incredible teacher,” said Zimmerman. “We need to be a student. So often, we only see the pain, and we try to take control of it through anger or lashing out. But it really could be a way to make us more compassionate and caring.”
That’s true for others — and for ourselves.
“People who say they’re harder on themselves than they are on other people? I don’t buy it,” she laughed. “You’re hard on yourself — so you’re hard on other people.”
Let grief teach you to love your neighbor as yourself, she said.
Seek out ‘bibliotherapy’
Therapy and group support is always the ideal, said Karim. But if you can’t manage that right now, engage in what he calls “bibliotherapy.”
“Use different forms of literature, like books or podcasts or TED Talks,” he said. “Look for ones that offer hope and comfort or support. It can also be way to learn about different perspectives on how to grieve and take care of ourselves at this difficult time.“
Rabbi Zimmerman recommended the book “Finding the Words: Working Through Profound Loss with Hope and Purpose” by Colin Campbell.
Karim highlighted “Finding Refuge: Heart Work for Healing Collective Grief” by Michelle Cassandra Johnson, as well as the Grieve Love Heal and Grief Out Loud podcast series. He also recommended the following TED Talks.
"How Collective Grief Kickstarts Social Change" by Dr. Andrea Jacobo
"Unpacking Grief: Carrying the Weight & Heal After Loss" by Tess Pearson
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